Last night I prepared for a successful night’s sleep with both of us needing to wake up early and me needing to re-enter my work world after three days of bereavement. I fell fast asleep but at one point woke with extreme sadness, tears rolling. At another point I woke up in night sweats and complete thirst so I went to get water to find one dog needs to pee and the other throws up. How did they know I would be up and they would need me? I was (and am) so tired but I felt (and still feel) like writing. I actually started this post however after a blessed bump of a key and the whole thing erased…decided sleep was more important at that point. Here I am now at 4am up because the youngest dog would not stop crying for his dad.
I had prepared for success and thought it impossible I wouldn’t sleep after my second night of a$$ kicking indoor soccer. No, we did not win but the sport really does a girl in. My whole body aches, feels good really to push it this hard. There’s a dear friend of mine Christina I’ve been writing back and forth with since her terminal cancer diagnosis (firstly why CANCER WHY?) (secondly -keep hoping the miracle of a cure will come her way, then I realize the miracle is right before our eyes – it is her) (thirdly – click on her name and follow her story if you are so inspired). I sent her an IM the other day describing my waves of grieve and she gave me this imagery:
Yes, waves, flowing in and out. The imagery that comes to me is standing in the ocean and enjoying the beauty of the majestic sea only to be knocked down- a bit surprised and unsettled. Then rising again to find your footing and resuming the laughter and enjoying the sea, then it comes again, that wave to big to manage and knocks us down yet again. Memories of the good times will continue to flood your thoughts, so too will the images of the end of life- the loss, that emptiness that suddenly appears in our heart. It is good to grieve- with our end goal to get to the gentle place where we celebrate the gift of having our beloved ones join us in this journey, if for only a season, more than we mourn the loss. You see their imprint is left forever in the way we see and do life- this is how they live on forever, through you. Or perhaps a slightly irreverent physical experience as an example, I get to enjoy each day are the extreme shifts between intense and often unbearable hot-flashes/night sweats. One moment I have some mental and physical footing only to be brought to my knees and filled with uncontrollable events that are happening to me. I then recover, from the waves of sweating, panic, frustration, and helplessness and find my footing again. Oh I how wish that this lifetime protected us from suffering, loss, and pain. But it does not. We are therefore left to find the beauty in each moment-in the suffering, the loss, and the pain. It is there. We must look hard sometimes to find it. Let the tears flow as they rise. Allow joy and memories of the joy blanket your entire being. I too am thinking of you. 💕
How is it that I am allowed the gift of giving and receiving from her? Which is how I came to find the photo above from a trip to Newport, OR…some time ago. But I can feel the waves, smell the salt…and feel the grounding. Part of today’s horoscope: Keeping your current inspiration alive is the key to your soul’s satisfaction.